


A Ticket To Freedom

by werebreakingfree



Series: Live or Die Lance? [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Langst, Lots of Crying, Nightmares, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Why is this getting out of hand?, Will have part two, lance suffers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-06 12:56:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17345624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/werebreakingfree/pseuds/werebreakingfree
Summary: Lance didn’t feel he belongs to the team anymore. What if Langst get out of hand and Lance had nobody to blame but himself.Setting: After they defeated Zarkon, they didn’t lose Shiro and Lance stays with Blue.





	1. The Tipping Point

His footsteps echoed through the hallway of the castle. He didn’t care anymore if someone will hear him half running across the place; he need to hide, because he couldn’t stop it he couldn’t stop the searing tears behind his eyes.

  


Allura had been a little hard on him; okay she was harsh enough to put Lance in a shaking mess. The team was doing a new training exercise. It was more focused in agility and teamwork. They had to be able to monitor the position of each member of the team and fight bot’s as they reach a certain point in the training room. It sounds easy but most of the points of the training were Lance’s weakness. He was a range fighter of shooter? So he needs to keep distance with the enemies, but the formation can’t be broken and that cut his advantage on fighting; he failed defending himself and the others.

  


One failure turned two then became four and so on. Lance tried to reason with his teammates and suggested to change his position but they shut him out saying they didn’t need his jokes and all he needs to do is his job. Lance then stop trying to speak his mind and work harder instead. But due to the constant blaming of Keith, Shiro’s disappointed look, Hunk’s silent grunts and Pidge’s sarcasms; Lance couldn’t focus on the fight, resulting to yet another failure.

  


They were all tired and frustrated; Lance couldn’t lift his head to face them. Keith might have been biting his tongue not to slay him with it. But when Allura marched inside the training room, Lance knew that the small gesture from Keith was a real blessing.

  


“LANCE! You’ve been testing my patience! Watching all of you fail again and again all because of you.” She said with hatred in her eyes. “I thought you’ll eventually learn from your mistakes but I can’t tolerate this.” The princess took a deep breath and continued. “This is the result of your goofing around and paying more attention to your beauty routine than training!” Lance visually flinched at that.

  


“This is not a game; Voltron is the only thing that could save the universe from Zarkon. If you can’t do your responsibility as a Paladin we have no choice but to find a new one!”

“Allura!” Shiro called the princess almost interjecting with her last word but it went into Lance deaf ears. All the Blue Paladin could hear was Allura. Shiro was about to say something but Lance cut him off.

“I’m sorry.” He said loud enough to be heard by everyone. “I’ll try my best, next time I won’t be dragging down the team.” Lance said with and even tone, his face lacked expression but the princess was satisfied with the reply.

“I’ll take our words seriously.” She said, her face lightening up a bit. “I think we’ve been exhausted enough, we cannot pull off this training exercise if we’re all out of it. We should just try this again tomorrow.” Shiro suggested and everyone agreed. “For now, do whatever you like until dinner.”

Everyone went on their own, Pidge and Hunk went to the kitchen, Keith and Shiro stayed in the training room and Allura joined Coran in the main bridge. None of them notice where Lance went and so as Lance.

  


He continued to speed walked on the hallways of the castle. It was darker than normal and he didn’t know where he was going, he couldn’t even remember if he took an elevator, all he was focused on was breathing. His legs were getting weak and soon he found himself leaning on the wall. He slid on the floor and hugged his knees; he didn’t know that he was crying until he felt the wetness on his sleeves.  Allura’s words still rang in his head.

  


He knew the entire thing about being a Paladin wasn’t a joke. He was always serious and doing everything he could just to fit in the title he didn’t even planned to have.  Her words stung and hearing it said only realized all the doubts in Lance mind; his fears of being the only one who don’t have something special, that he doesn’t contribute to the team and they’re better off without him, it was all proven by the princess’s words.

  


It always crossed his mind; in some nights he thought of how the team would keep going without him and the fact that they might get better didn’t surprise him. He just felt so alone, he missed Earth, the ocean, the rain and his family. Being with the team didn’t bring him comfort anymore. He spent less and less time with Hunk his best friend. No matter how many time he tried to fit in with Pidge and Hunk jive with technical and computer things they keep on shutting him out. Training with Shiro and Keith didn’t help him to improve, not when Keith is being an ass saying that they’re wasting time with him and Shiro’s patience running out.

  


It hurt Lance to see the person he admire the most to be disappointed at him when all he wanted was to be able to get notice by their leader. It was him that made him dream to be a fighter pilot, he was the reason Lance believe that he can go to space like him, because he made it at a very young age. Having the opportunity of going to space with alien lions was the greatest thing that happened to Lance because it made him feel special, but to realize that it was all just a mistake dug deep in his heart.

  


Princess Allura, the thought of the lady hurt Lance a little bit more, because the words came from her. Lance was scared for a long time that the team would find out soon how useless he was and now everyone knew.

  


Lance hugged his knees in the dimly light hallway his sobs was the only sound that could be heard in the place. He hated himself for being such a cry baby but he had bottled this emotion for a long time and now he couldn’t stop the streaming tears. In the past, he could see something good in every failure and somehow bounce back but now he sees nothing but how worthless it was to try. He just wanted to disappear.

  


Lance didn’t know when he fell asleep but it was the squeaking sound that pulled awake. The second thing he noticed was the piercing headache ramming in his head. He suddenly regretted crying to sleep, when he lifted his gaze he saw a mice standing on his crossed arms. The tiny head was tilted to the side it’s eyes full of wonder as they stare at Lance’s teary blue orbs.

  


“Eeeek!” Lance yelled as he tried to scram backwards in surprise. He hit his head to the wall with a loud ‘thunk’. The mice quickly jumped to his lap and run away for a several feet but it stopped and watched him squirm in pain. “Ouch!” Lance whined clutching his head, the hit brought a tears back on his eyes. “It hurts.” He mumbled turning to the mice. Lance recognized the small blue mice, It was Chulatt the smallest mice of all the space mice. She was cute and a little bit shy. “Hey, little mice?” The blue paladin asked with scratchy voice. Lance quickly brushed away the almost dried tears on his cheeks and eyes, he felt like he was caught.

 

“Um..  I’m just having a little nap here because it looks comfortable. What brings you here?” He tried to sound casual and brings a hand to the little creature. Chulatt tentatively moved forward and smelled lance fingers before she hopped and run to settle on his shoulder. Lance smiled at his little success. “Where are the others? They usually won’t let you left alone.”  He said as he stood and tried to walk back to his room only to realize that he don’t know where to go.

  


The mice tapped his neck and point the right direction. “Oh! Right.” The walk back to his room was smooth thanks to the little mice. Lance let Chulatt stand on his hand before put her down on floor in front of his door way. “Thanks Chulatt I owe you one.” Lance’s smile didn’t reach his ears but he really appreciates the mice’s help, he just didn’t feel well.

  


The mice smiled at him, if you can call it that before it went to the direction of the kitchen. Lance sighed and retreated to his room. He fell on his bed not even bothering missing his nightly beauty routine. The thought only brought up Allura’s words. He scrunched his eyes close burying his face on the pillow, in that position he fell asleep.

  


The blaring alarm threw Lance on the floor. It was enough to wake him up and scramble to get in his armor. By the time he got to the bridge everyone was already there, not something to be surprised with that's why none of them bothered to scold him. Only Coran and Shiro acknowledged his presence. The older Altean nodded at him and Shiro held his gaze for a moment, but Lance just stared to the others and listen at the discussion that didn't even got interrupted by his arrival.

  


"We need to help them, I and Coran will prepare for the jump go to your Lions!" The princess suddenly commands. Every one move on their feet, Lance didn't know a thing about the fight or rescue? Or whatever this was all about but he quickly run to the Blue Lion's hangar. "Uh, where are we going?" He asked through to com as he sat on the cockpit. "If you're just early enough you would have known." Keith almost growled at him and it ticks Lance's nerves he wanted to be angry and matched his arrogance but he didn't want to make him hate him more than he already was. "Well.. I'm sorry." He finally said, a dead silence followed his voice in the coms. Lance just focus on lunching his Lion to the space and ignored the awkward silence.

  


The five Lion met in front of the castle. "Okay team, I'll give you a short brief of our plan." Shiro started. "This is a rescue mission; we received a distress signal from a rebel army supply shuttle they're currently being attacked by a Garla cruiser. We need to be quick!" Just as Shiro finished Allura spoke in the coms. "We're ready for the jump! The castle will be right behind you." A worm hole suddenly popped in front of the Lion started to enter one by one.

 

 

Bursting out of the wormhole Lance saw clusters of Galra fighter plane firing the said shuttle ahead of them. Shiro commanded them to go into formation which he wasn’t aware of; luckily he recognized it and followed behind them. They were able to eliminate most of the enemy but the shuttle was damaged and it was getting dangerously closer to a planet. Lance feared that the shuttle will get pulled by the gravity and that’s not good. “Guys I think the shuttle’s not supposed to get there!” He said gritting his teeth as he swerved Blue to the right dodging a laser beam. “I’m trying to send message to the shuttle but they’re not responding. I’m afraid that they’d lost their communication.” Pidge explained to them.

  


They are all busy from different sides of the shuttle trying to protect it from the swarming fighter planes. “Someone needs to get in there to assess their situation.” Shiro replied calmly. “Uh.. I’m out this things are catching up with Yellow, I’m so going to smash them.” Hunk said with little panic in his voice. “I’ll go and cut the source!” Keith suddenly decided and busted out of their formation going straight to the Galra cruiser. “Wait! Keith!” Shiro shouted at the Red Paladin as he followed the other. “Pidge, Hunk and Lance, hold your position we’ll finish the cruiser as soon as we can.” The leader said without any sign of being defied by one of his team member. Lance was frustrated the formation was broken and he had to protect the position left by Keith and the fact that Shiro wasn’t even fazed by Keith’s act irritated him. Though he swallowed the bitterness and focus on their job first. “We can do this Blue.” He encourage himself.

 

He shot the fighters with precision with the ice canon and laser, he eliminated mostly of the fighter jets but the shuttle didn’t stop going closer to the planet. Lance could feel that they are near the atmosphere. “Pidge, how can we stop this shuttle? With its speed I don’t think they’re planning to land in that planet!”

 

“I made the scan the planet is mostly made of water; finding a place to land is not going to be easy. Plus since we don’t know what’s going on inside the shuttle I think they are not aiming to land there.” She explained quickly. “That’s what I’m trying to say.” Lance clarified. “Yeah buddy I know.” Hunk supported him.  “Thanks Hunk.” He rarely gets his best friend’s support now days so he appreciates it so much, being with the two made him remember their time at the Garrison. He missed this kind of bond between the three of them.  Lance took a glance at the enemy’s cruiser. “Shiro and Keith are almost done.” Pidge noted.

  


“Let’s stop the shuttle or else their going to crash.” Lance said flying by the side of the ship at its full speed. “Hunk go in front of the ship and push it, I’ll grace the engine with my ice cannon, Pidge can you watch for any fighter planes that might attack?” Lance commands before the two replied with affirmation. The three worked together and managed to stop the shuttle. The huge explosion was signal that the Black and Red Paladin were also done with their job. Soon the castle came and they’re all trying to figure out what to do on the shuttle they saved.

  


Pidge run multiple scan in the ship but no known life form was found inside, nor any explosive or bomb. They couldn’t get any solid information without investigating inside. The fact that distress signal came from the ship was something that couldn't be explained and so as to why the Galra was trying to get the shuttle?  Lance had a bad feeling about it, he tried to tell them but his worlds went in deaf ears or were just shut off by other team mate’s input. In the end they decided to break in and take whatever information they could get.

 

~~~~~~~~~  
  


 

It turns out that the shuttle was the trap. When the team reached the control room Lance activated the trap by stepping at the sensor in the room. Everyone cursed at him as the alarm blared at them. Lance was too shocked to react when he saw a blink of light at the ceiling; he just knew that it wasn't good. It was too late when a laser shot towards the Yellow Paladin standing behind him. Hunk fell to the floor in pain and Lance was quick to his side everything happened in blur. He knew they're stuck for a dobash in the room by thick metal walls, but Pidge managed to get the out. Shiro shouted instructions, Lance wasn't sure what it was but all he did was shoot sentries after sentries and watched the back of his team as they went back to the castle. All Lance could focus was to check up on his best friend.

 

They quickly returned to their Lions and defeat the fleet of Galra; it happened so fast that Lance only seemed to snap out of his thoughts when he arrived at the medical bay to see Hunk. He found Coran in the room busy with the control panels of the pod. "Coran, how's Hunk." Lance asked worriedly. The Altean turned to him calmly. "He'll be fine my boy, the shot wasn't that deep, the armor absorbed most of the fire and Hunk will be good as new in at least four vargas." He declared with his usual energy. Lance sighed in relief at the news, though he was still worried and stared up at his friend in the healing pod.

 

Now that he knew Hunk will be safe, Lance realized how he couldn't save his friend. How he messed up the mission. "Oh no.." He whispered to himself.

 

It was the moment the other Paladins and Princess Allura chose to enter the med bay. "Lance!" The voice of the princess echoed in the room. The Cuban boy flinched turning to them. Shiro glanced to the Yellow Paladin in the pod before the gray eyes settled on him, the annoyance on Pidge face was obvious while Keith was bluntly glaring at him in rage and the princess; she was beyond upset.

  


"What you did back there put the entire team in danger! What will you do if something really bad happened to Hunk? You should have been more careful." Allura reprimanded with her authoritative voice.

  


"I didn't mean to-" Lance tried to explain but Pidge cut him off.

"That's not enough! You should've seen the trigger we've already encountered those kind of trap! If you just pay attention to what we're doing we could have avoided this!" The green Paladin yelled accusingly her voice was full of hate and frustration Lance couldn't utter a word.

"I-I'm sorry." He managed weakly. Keith growled at that before he stepped forward and gripped the collar of his armor. "Is that all you can say? That shot wasn't even for Hunk, YOU triggered the trap so the shot was directed to you! But Hunk was in the way. If all you could do is to fuck up every mission, it's better if you get shot instead." Keith yelled at his face. Lance was petrified and he couldn't breathe, he heard everything clear, this was what the team thinks of him. A burden, weak, worthless.

"Keith." Shiro put his hand on the Red Paladin's shoulder. "That's enough I'm sure Lance didn't meant all of that to happen." At their leader's words Lance managed to take a breath but he knew he wasn't finished.

"But Lance, you will still face the consequence of your actions." Shiro stated with a stern face. All could the Blue Paladin do was nod before he stare at the floor. They left the room leaving Lance and Coran.

Lance wanted to cry but he cannot, not yet. He stopped his negative thoughts because he needed to be back to his room, he couldn't breakdown in front of Coran. He took a deep shaky breath and faced the Altean. "So Coran, I trust Hunk in your hands; I'll be going then." He tried to smile at him but it didn't reach his eyes. Without a word the other Altean hugged him, one hand patting his hair.

"You've been working so hard my boy, stay strong. They will know, they were wrong treating you like this." Coran softly whispered to him. It made the tears burst out of the blue orbs. Lance just nods shutting his eyes close and let the stream fall on his cheeks. They stayed like that for a minute before Coran sent him to rest.

 

Back in his room, Lance didn't feel any better. He showered and changed in his sleeping wear and lay flat on his bed all in auto pilot. He didn't bother doing his skin care routine. He felt dull, he did something wrong and all he could think off was how useless he was. _'Why am I here?'_ He asked to himself. Turning to his side he couldn't stop the tears building in his eyes, his head was already hurting from all the crying but nothing could quell his sadness.

 

He just promised Allura that he'll try harder and not drag the team down, look how fast he broke that promise? He messed up. He'll face the consequence just like what Shiro told him, they'll replace him and get a new Blue Paladin. Lance cried harder from his thoughts, he hated himself; why did he have to be such a burden. Keith's harsh words swirled in his mind. Keith was right he should've been shot instead, and then all the problem will be solve, which was Lance.

 

Lance's glassy eyes stared blankly at his bathroom door. Maybe he could just drown himself in the tub. No, slitting his throat would be much quicker. His eyes traveled to the drawer of his table, he had blade in there. A gift from an Alien from a primitive planet they saved. The Alien wished that the blade would save him like how he saved their planet. The Cuban boy had to laugh at that, maybe the blade could really save him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is supposedly for the purpose of making Lance have a bonding moment with the space mice but the angst grows too much it is now it out of the initial plot. Story changes as we write.
> 
> Thank you for reading and please tell me what do you think of it but don’t grill me too much. :D
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated!


	2. Future Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Self-harm and suicidal thoughts.

The blue stone in the middle glimmer under the dim light of the bathroom, the design engraved to the metal where it was embedded cast shadows on its sides; the handle was wrapped by strips of cloth giving a nice grip to it. The blade had good shape, short like a dagger but sharp at all edges. Lance could only adore its beauty as it glides over and in his flesh. His expression quiver at the pain but it was bearable and if possible it made him feel alive, it's not the first time he cut himself.

 

 The blood poured down on the sink swirling with the running water from the thing equivalent to a faucet in the Altean castle. Lance made a few more lines on his left arm, some over the past cuts. He exhaled soundly at the feeling, clouding the other thoughts in his head; those vicious ones like useless, worthless, burden, annoying, flirt, weak and more. All he felt now was physical pain and the fact that it made him forget even just for a few days made him feel grateful.

 

Finally satisfied he washed his precious blade and set it back to it sheath. He washed his arms and started treating them; he fastened it tightly by the bandage he got from the medical supplies before he slipped in his long-sleeved shirt. He secured it by wearing his jacket and then he was ready to face the day.

 

It had been two weeks since Lance breakdown, since Lance's started cutting. Hunk got out of the healing pod and Lance managed to apologize to his friend and face his punishment. Shiro got him into a training program aside from their team, an individual course; he was also not allowed to go on missions unless Voltron was needed. Allura said it’s so he could reflect on his mistakes and do his part as a team member. But Lance knew that they just didn't want him to be with them because of all he was, Lance didn't want to enumerate that again.

 

Turning to the kitchen he saw Hunk and Pidge. "Hey! Good morning Hunky and Pidgey." Lance smiled at them, but the two didn't even budge with what they’re doing. Hunk was busy with cooking while Pidge has her nose on her computer. Lance was used to the way they ignore him, but it still hurt that he couldn't even get a small greeting from them. Lance winced as he clutched his injured arm a little bit hard just to overwhelm the pain with pain.

 

He was able to control himself and sat on the chair across the Green Paladin. He remain silent as the others filled the dining area soon the food was serve and everyone ate as they talk about missions, trainings machines and food. Not once did anyone of them address him and he didn't try to interrupt them. He had been told to shut up too many times to push his luck. Instead he poked and turned the food goo on his plate.

 

His appetite was something that comes rarely recently. If the team noticed that he didn't really eat most of his meals they didn't say anything. His line of thoughts was broken by a hard jab on his shoulder. He turned to Keith with a confused look. "Lance are you even listening?" The Red said scowling at him, as everyone stared at him expectantly. "No, I- I'm not." He answered scratching the back of his neck. The others sighed in frustration.

 

"Well were all discussing of having a day off today. Allura said that we could use this day for ourselves, just a small break from fighting and missions." Shiro explained almost warmly at him, like he wanted Lance to have a good day. But Lance couldn't take it that way, because he barely had missions, all he do now was spend time on the training deck to meet Allura's expectation, a way to keep his negative thoughts at bay. He didn't see a benefit of the day off they're talking about.

 

Lance just nodded at their leader, that took the other man furrowed his brows, Hunk and Pidge stared at him with wide eyes, Allura and Coran shared a worried glace while Keith looked more angry. As if they're not satisfied with his reaction. When did ever Lance meet their standard? Never.

 

The Blue Paladin excused himself and wanders around the castle. He still planned to sneak in the training room but maybe at the end of the day. Lance walked aimlessly until he reached a balcony within the castle. Lance lean onto the railings and checked how high he was from the ground and it was pretty high. He felt a little dizzy as he stared down. The balcony was placed above a huge empty hanger. Maybe it was meant for larger ship to dock in the castle.

Lance kept staring down, thinking if one could survive a fall from this height. He could already see a twisted body lying on the floor; bleeding and unmoving. He leaned further, would they asked how it fell? It could always be an accident. He envied the picture below, it was lifeless, it wouldn't be bothered by insecurities or homesickness, wouldn't yearn for attention and love, wouldn't feel a thing with insults and bad comments thrown at it.

 

Nothing

 

Lance unconsciously stepped on the small step under the railing, still leaning at the edge. His weight settled at his arms dangerously at the tip of the flat surface.

 

Maybe he could end it here.

 

No one would realize why.

 

Just an accident.

 

 

"LANCE!"

 

 

The Blue Paladin flinched at the voice behind him; he leaned away from the railing getting his feet back on the floor. He felt caught, as he slowly turned to the person behind him. Hunk was staring at him with a broken look on his face; he could see that he was scared and worried. Lance wanted to hug him but he couldn't move, one hand still at the railing.

 

"Hunk? Um, what are you doing here?" Lance managed to put cheer in his voice.

 

Hunk seemed to be calmed a bit and speak. "I was calling you, you're not answering. Sorry for startling you." He said shakily before continuing. "So what are you doing here?"

 

Lance looked back at the hanger. "Nothing, just looking around." He felt Hunk move beside him, the Cuban boy never felt this awkward with his best friend. "You know we're always here for you buddy." Hunk placed his hand over Lance's shoulder and squeezed it. "If you want to talk about something or anything I'm here to listen."

 

"Sure." Lance stated too quickly for Hunk to reach out to him. "So Hunk, I'm going to be in my room, if you need something just call me." Lance slowly edged to the door as he grinned at his friend. It's just, he couldn't open up to Hunk anymore because he was scared that he wouldn't care, like all the time he tried he was shut down. With one final wink he left the yellow paladin in the balcony.

 

Lance weakly opened his eyes, at first he saw nothing, the colors were swirling in his vision he almost went back to sleep if not for the sobbing beside him. Moving his head to the side he saw a blur of yellow. It was then that he felt all of the damage his body was suffering; there was a sharp pain every time he took a breath. His lower back had a consistent throbbing, but he couldn't place it where exactly. 

 

His neck was in a weird angle but somehow he could still breath, he tasted blood in his mouth and with his tiny movement the fluid leaked from his lips. What confused him was the fact that he couldn't feel his leg. His poor sight looked straight to the ceiling. The light cleared his vision. He had jumped, he was dying.

 

The sobbing continued as Lance tries to clear his vision, soon he saw Hunk crouching beside him, his hand were hovering above him like he didn't know where to hold him. "Lance, buddy! Come on talk to me." The Yellow Paladin pleaded. Lance saw the tears streaming down on his cheeks. Hunk looked so lost, it was sad and full of regret and it broke Lance's heart. He wanted to assure him that he was fine, that it was what he really wanted, that he was just too tired to continue, that nothing would really change whether he stayed or not.

 

Hunk's face turned sour as if he heard Lance's thoughts. "How could you Lance?! Why did you do this? You're so selfish; couldn't you think of the others before yourself? How could we form Voltron without you?" The Yellow Paladin's face turned angrier as he spoke. It pulled Lance into a panic state, he never seen Hunk this mad before. He's face was darker and full of malice. _'I'm sorry.. Hunk.'_  Lance said scratching his throat.

 

"Fine do what you want; you're not that important anyway. We can just get a new Paladin, maybe Allura can pilot the Blue Lion. I don't need a weak friend." Hunk's words cut Lance into pieces as he watched his friend stood and turned his back on him, left him to die. The tears filled his eyes as he hold the sob threatening to come. He bit his lips as he stared the ceiling, everything hurt but what hurt the most was his heart.

 

He was weak and he wanted to escape, Hunk was right the only thing he wished was to stop the pain. That's why he wanted to die. Lance closed his eyes and finally he stopped breathing.

 

Lance gasped for air in panic, his heart was thundering in his chest as he slowly realized that it was just a dream. He run his hand through his damp hair, he was still shaking from the nightmare. If anything scared him it was Hunk's terrified face when he learned that Lance jumped before he despises him. The picture flashed in his mind and he shut his eyes trying to erase it.

 

He knew that Hunk would be upset in case Lance died, but he never imagined how broken his best friend would be and it hurt him too. Maybe the others would just be relieved if he was gone. Pidge won't get bothered anymore when he tries to coax her to bed. Keith wouldn't be annoyed with his unrequited rivalry. Allura will be able to finally find a better Paladin and Shiro will get one less major problem.

 

Coran, he's the only one Lance thought that would be sad other than Hunk. The Altean only showed him nothing but kindness. He would miss him even he only known him for a year. Lance kept staring on the dim lighting where the wall met the ceiling as he pondered his dream. If there was something he realized about his nightmare, it was the fact that he didn't want Hunk to see him die, because if that happened, he might regret it, and Lance didn't like regrets.

 

Ever since he was a kid, he always does his best, always give his all so he could never regret if he fail or lose. It made him a better person, he had good grades at school, became a nice and caring brother and a good son. He was happy and believed that he'll get what he deserves if he just works hard, but reality slapped him hard.

 

Life wasn't that simple, sometimes things won't happen as you wished, even if you work hard for it. Lance saw the difference, what he lacks and what people think of him. How small he was compared to others and now that he's out in the universe surrounded by amazing people; Lance couldn't see where he was supposed to be.

 

He was giving his best but it didn't make a change. He was just not enough. That's why even he knew how wrong hurting himself to gain stability he still did it; and now the thought of taking his own life becomes more appealing as the day passed. Lance was a mess and he couldn't drag the team in his spiral of depression and homesickness. There were more important things they should do.

 

Lance wanted to be mad at himself for batting his mind of such useless thoughts but he's too tired to do that. He blinked and realized how long he had been staring at the light. Lance tiredly stirred up on the bed; it was pass dinner time but he didn't feel hungry. He remembered his plan to train and decided to do it.

 

The walk to the training room was uneventful, he was slightly expecting to bump with other team members specifically Hunk and Coran to ask him if he already had dinner. But no one was around; it made him curious so he decided to visit Hunk at the kitchen. Reaching the place he found it empty and all the lights were off.

 

 Suddenly he heard a faint laughing; it was coming from the common room, where they usually stayed to relax. With furrowed brows he went to the door letting it slide open when it sensed him. The room was filled with the sound of the movie playing in the wide screen at the center. Everyone was settled on the couch except for him. They're eating some space popcorn, Hunk discovered a few months ago.

 

They're too drawn to the movie; they didn't notice that Lance was standing by the door. They seemed to be enjoying themselves. Joking and giving comments on the actors, the Alteans were asking question about Earth and the others supplied them with short answers. They look so happy, and it made Lance feel sick.

 

The Blue Paladin stepped back silently and walked away. He felt so miserable. They had a movie night and they didn't invite him, he knew they didn't like him and all but he still felt bad. The picture was perfect without him. He marched back to his room, his breathing was too fast and there was burning in the back of his eyes. Back in his room he snatched the dagger under his mattress and went straight in the bathroom. He faced himself on the mirror and saw how desperate he looked. He just wanted to end it.

 

He pulled the dagger out of the sheath with trembling hands. The blade was hovering over his left arm. There was ringing in his ears and all he could think of was to get out. 'Do it' it said, he'd done this already, just let it sank deeper. But before he could do it he was distracted by the tears falling off his face, staining his bandage.  He bit his lip and fall to his knees dropping the dagger on the floor, he buried his face on his hands and screamed as he cry.

 

He can't do it here, because they will see, Hunk will know, Coran will be sad; he didn't want to disappoint the few people who barely care about him. Lance continued to sink on the cold floor breath hitching as he clutched his chest. A plan was forming in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go..


	3. Free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE
> 
> Please don't read if you can't take it.

Tonight Lance was going to die. That was the plan, the Blue Paladin waited for another week before he could finally free his friend from the weakest link of the team. He had to learn how to cut the communication of the pods from the castle, and to leave undetected. Even he was lifted off his punishment; he still continued his individual training course. The team also included him in missions but he tried his best not to start any unnecessary conversation. He didn't want to expand the damage he'd been doing to the team.

 

"Lance are you alright?" Shiro's voice snapped him out of his zoning. He turned to their leader with wide eyes. He schooled his expression and look around the room innocently. "Where are the others?" Lance smiled sheepishly. "I dismissed them we're done debriefing." He said with a concerned look on his face. "Lance are you okay? You’re not being yourself lately." The leader continued.

 

Lance unconsciously scratched his left arm nervously as he plastered a weak smile on his face. "I'm better than ever Shiro!" He exclaimed a little bit too loud. He saw how Shiro winced on how contradicting was Lance body language with his enthusiasm. "You've been doing great with the team exercise; it’s good that you're improving." The Black Paladin informed him with a warm smile but Lance didn't dwell on it. Because he knew that Shiro was just happy he was catching up with the team now, but in a long run Lance would fail again and everything will go back to box one. Small improvement will never fix a wreck like him. It's better to rid of him before he could drag the team in a deeper trouble.

 

"I'm glad you noticed." Lance said with a proud smile. "You know I'm born for greatness." Shiro chuckled at his remarks. "But seriously Lance, the team is worried about you. Are you sure you're okay?"

 

The Blue Paladin's facade almost dropped but he maintained a leveled gaze towards Shiro. "Thanks for your concern but I'm really fine. I think I'm just tired since I just got back in joining missions." He tried to assure the man.  Shiro put a hand on his shoulder. "If that's all of it then all you need is rest. I'll excuse you on the afternoon training."

 

"Thanks Shiro." Lance thanked the man sincerely as he walked towards the hangar. He really appreciates Shiro's words but it’s too late. Lance had already reached a decision. When he arrived at the hanger of the Blue Lion he gave a genuine smile to his Lion. "Hey Blue." Lance felt a wave of worry from her. He knew that at the Lion knew what he was planning. She persistently sends calming pictures, wave of warmth and appreciation to comfort him at the time when everything was getting too much.

 

It help at first, Lance believed her and only try harder at reaching out to his fellow Paladin. But since Allura's out-burst on the training room Lance started to doubt everything she told him and started to believe his team. And now before he goes for good he has to spend time with his favorite girl. Lance went inside the Blue Lion sat in the pilot chair. He felt Blue's warmth around him it was like cuddling with your cat except it was huge and curling up around you instead. "I'm sorry Blue, but I have to go. They don't need me here." He silently said, his eyes were close as he leans on the back seat. Blue sent a roll of disagreement before it became a soft reassurance. It pricked Lance heart, he was grateful to his Lion for constantly staying on his side and making him feel loved.

 

"I love you too Blue. But this war isn't for me, you deserve a better Paladin. If I stay longer I would just bother them, they shouldn't be dealing with a loss cause, and they have more important things to deal with." Blue snarled at the words he said, she wasn't mad at him but at the way he was talking. _Wrong_. Lance felt the tears gather around his eyes.

 

"A-And, I don't want to feel miserable anymore. I don't know b-but I always feel hurt when they're around. All I could think is what I couldn't become, (Keith) I didn't deserve, (Shiro's respect) and all the failures I made." The tears were now freely falling on his cheeks. He was curled up on the seat under the dim blue light.

 

"T-That’s why I have to go." Lance buried his face on his arms over his knees. Blue continued to send her compassion to Lance on how he's not a burden, how she was honored to be his Lion and how she loves him. She pleaded for him to stay but all of it barely went in the boy's broken heart. Lance fell asleep as he cries.

 

 

The dinner arrived and everyone was seated around the table as Hunk served the food. Lance sat beside Keith like usual, Allura and Coran and Shiro on the other side while Pidge is next to Keith. Lance managed to convince Blue to let him out after he woke up inside the Lion. He decided to join dinner so he could get a last look on his team mates.

 

"This looks good number 4!" Coran commended with his usual energy. "I tried to change the texture so it won't be so gooey." Hunk said as he sat next to the Green Paladin. Everyone started to dig on their food while Lance watched them silently. He took note that they would really be fine without him at the way they all interact with each other. Pidge and Hunk were discussing some science project they started. Allura and Shiro were talking about their previous mission while Coran comment on the two topics from time to time. Lance smiled at the small assurance that his absence won't affect the team.

 

"What are you thinking?" Keith suddenly asked beside him. Lance turned to the other man and found a pair of violet eyes staring at him. Keith had been watching him. "Nothing important." He replied calmly and played the food with his spoon, he could still feel Keith's eyes at him. Actually Lance had no idea what's running in the mullet's head. The use of pet name made him smile; it had been a long time since the word crossed his mind. "Lance, why are you smiling?" Keith asked again.

 

Lance sighed and faced the man. "Look I was just thinking about your hair and it makes me laugh." He smirked.

"Nothing's funny about my hair."

"But it's a mullet."

"It's not."

"Mullet."

Keith gave an unheated glare. "Fine, call it whatever you like cowlick head." The Red Paladin said as he scoops the not so gooey goo to his plate. Lance copied his action because he can. "Excuse me my hair is perfectly taken care of unlike yours, and this curls are sent from god itself." Lance ate a mouthful of goo like how Keith did before. "You have a cow though." The other retorted playfully.

Lance couldn't believe it. He was having a playful banter with the Red Paladin, it had been ages since he had this kind of conversation with him and he honestly missed it.

"I can see that you have rested well Lance." Shiro chimed in their conversation. "Yeah, I get to bond with Blue too."

"Lance, I haven't seen you in a while. I'm curious what you've been up to lately." Allura said with a tint of awkwardness in her voice.

"Don't worry I'm doing my training regularly." Lance answered almost robotically.

"It's not what I meant to hear. I'm just concerned-"

"Everything's fine Princess, believe me." The Blue Paladin stated with finality. Allura didn't interrupt him anymore. He then focused on eating his goo. It might be the last of Hunk's cooking he could get.

 

The dinner went in blur and soon Lance found himself in his room. He had his stuff packed in a space backpack at the edge of his bed, just a few of his Altean clothes and some souvenir from different planets. He had it ready a few days ago. Lance went to the bathroom and had a peaceful bath taking his time doing his skin care routine. Lance slipped in his clothes from Earth and secured his dagger in his bag and he's ready to go.

 

Lance took out a sheet of paper he got from Hunk's note pad he brought with him on the day they went to space. He wrote something on it with his space ball-pen and put it at the top of his desk. Lance didn't want the team to go after him, the reason why he had to leave a note which only says 'I'm going back to Earth, please take care of Blue. ;)'. Trying to find a single dead man floating in space was something even Voltron wouldn't be able to do.

 

He waited until it’s two in the morning before he started his escape. Usually Keith would only retire to his room at eleven, Pidge would sleep after he or Shiro made their rounds in the castle of Lions. Hunk would be snoring loudly by the time and the Alteans would surely already dreaming on their beds.

 

Lance made a stop in the kitchen to get some nutrition bars that could last for a week or two. He wanted them to think that he was really planning to go back to their home planet. If he's lucky they won't try to get him back. They'd just assumed that he got lost somewhere when they find out he's not on Earth.

 

The Blue Paladin silently walked towards the hanger of the escape pods. He already chosen the pod he'd be using, he had sneaked a few times at night to alter the settings inside the pod, disabling the tracking device and cutting its communications; the hangar doors would still open for the pod, but it won’t alert the castle’s systems. Coran would only know of the missing pod if he runs an overall scan in the castle.

 

Lance swung the bag inside the pod before settle himself in the pilot seat. With a few checks and taps on the screen he set off to space. The vast of stars dusts the darkness with its sparkle. He had thought that space was just like the view of night sky from the beach from Cuba; only bigger and endless. But seeing it firsthand he realized how different it was, it's so beautiful and rich of wonders and adventure. It should have been a nice place to explore if there was no war, no saving the Universe and no Lance to ruin the team.

 

He thought he'd be emotional leaving the castle of Lions. He spared a glance at the tiny dot of the castle behind him, but he didn't feel anything, maybe because he entirely lost the hope that they would care. He was doing them a favor he reminded himself as he gripped the controls of the pod. He shot the ship full power to the coordinates he set. It was an asteroid belt where he could hide the pod, where he could freely take his life.

 

The travel didn't take long and soon he was in the middle of the floating space rocks. His pod was dead and only lit with the emergency lights. Lance leaned on the seat with a tired sigh; he stared blankly in front of him. He finally did it, he left the team and now he was free to do whatever he wants. Hunk will never find out, Coran will still be sad but the others will be there for them. They'll support each other like they always did. A hollow pain filled his chest; all of the emotions he'd been bottling came crashing to him at once.

 

It was the reason why he had to leave, because even he goes numb from the way the team treated him. Deep inside Lance, he still wished that everything was different. That Hunk would still smile warmly at him instead of the groans he gave. That Pidge would notice that he treated her like a little sister, Keith would be friends with him, Allura would see that he was a true Paladin and Shiro would see how Lance admire him. But all of it was just a wishful thinking and he couldn't stop himself from hoping for it to come true.

 

He was stuck in the cycle of hoping for that reality and being crushed by the truth that it'll never happen. It hurt him so much. He was a coward for trying to escape but if it will end the never ending pain, then Lance would gladly do it. Lance wasn't crying as he pulled his sleeves up to his elbows undoing the bandages around his arms. He stared mesmerize at the scars decorating his once flawless skin. He pulled the knife from his back and unsheathed it. It was light in his hands, he was never good with knife but its sharpness helped him carve properly on his skin with the right press and length of the cut.

 

He suddenly remembered his mother, she would be mad at him, he knew. "I'm sorry Mama." The tears finally made its way down his cheeks. "I'm so tired.." He wanted to say so much more as he pressed the blade on his wrist hard. Blood blooms from the cut it gushed down on his lap soaking his pants. He wanted to be remembered by his family as the same Lance he was before, the happy one, not this broken one. He passed the knife to his left hand and cut the other wrist. He felt light headed and slumped to his seat. His fast beating heart was slowing down; he barely felt his arms now. He finally did it, it was done he didn't have to do anything anymore, no one will be mad at him.. he was..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s done. Sorry guy’s but this is the end of this story. This part was focused on Lance’s depression and how the team pushed him to do it. Now the next part.. I’m still not sure how the story would go, but expect Lotor in it. :D
> 
> Thank you for reading!!


End file.
